Clarity
by lkuecrar
Summary: Songfic to Clarity by Zedd ft. Foxes. Rin can't handle how she is treated for being a human by other demons and breaks down to Sesshomaru. After an argument, she flees the palace. Sesshomaru doesn't understand.


AN: I'm doing a song fic. The first fanfiction I ever wrote was a songfic, and now I'm doing another! When I heard Clarity by Zedd ft. Foxes, I immediately thought of all of my favorite pairings. I realized I kind of like the star-struck lover type thing. Draco x Hermione (pure blood vs. muggle born), Sesshomaru x Rin (she's human; he hates humans), Zuko x Katara (Fire Nation vs. Water Nation), etc. are all examples of it. Anyways, this song pretty much sums up that entire star struck lover thing!

I have found an anthem for essentially all of my fanfiction! Do yourself a favor and listen to this song. There are lots of remixes and covers. Just pick one and go; my favorite is the Zedd's Union Remix. That's why the lyrics in this aren't exactly the same as the original. It is way more intimate than the original track, in my opinion. Or try Sam Tsui's cover. The original gets the anger side across; the two I just listed get the sad side across.

Sorry for the long and rambling AN! Here you go to the people who like my Sesshomaru x Rin fics!

* * *

Rin was running aimlessly through the less-used hallways of her Lord's palace. _It's hopeless. I might as well run away during the night. I'm not enough of a demon to fit in here and not enough of a human to fit in at a village. I might as well be a hanyou; I don't belong anywhere. _At the thought of leaving, more tears began to stream down the young woman's face. _Maybe I can get to InuYasha's village in one piece. They are kind people; maybe they'll take me in. _

The rumors had finally broken through the girl's walls and planted a seed of doubt. To some, she was just her Lord's plaything; to others, she was his whore. Then there were the snide comments that a few brave demons muttered towards her. There was also many a demoness that reassured her that she would never be more than a concubine, at best, to Lord Sesshomaru. Finally, it had come to a head today, oddly, while she was alone eating breakfast.

Rin finally stopped running. She was in a part of the palace that looked as if no one had been there for over a hundred years. _That very well could be possible._ Wiping the tears from her face, she began to walk deeper into the unused wing. Aware of how the rest of the palace was laid out, Rin arrived at the large door at the end of the wing that led to the largest room of the wing. As she opened it, a large cloud of dust rose into the air.

Rin was hacking and coughing. The dust settled after a while and Rin opened her eyes. In the middle of the room was a large piano. Lord Sesshomaru had thought that it would be prudent for Rin to learn to be a lady if she was going to live in the palace. She had learned arithmetic and grammar. She had also learned to write; something that low-class women like her never learned. What kept her sane during all of these lessons, though, were the music lessons.

The young woman had immediately hit it off with music. Rin started taking piano lessons the same week she first arrived at the palace with Lord Sesshomaru. Even though her teacher was an extremely strict cat demon, Rin loved the lessons. Well, minus the ruler slapping her knuckles when she messed up.

That had been four years ago, when she was fourteen. Now, any time she could, Rin was playing and practicing. After four years, she didn't need or want a teacher anymore; she told Lord Sesshomaru as much. _And I haven't seen that miserable woman since, either._ The girl went over to the wall and drew back the curtains blocking the huge windows. There were motes of dust floating in the air from the heavy curtains being moved. _There we go. Now I can get a good look at this piano._

Rin sat at the dusty piano and lifted the cover from the keys. She laughed at the scolding she would receive from her handmaid at getting her kimono so dirty. Expecting a horribly out of tune note, Rin braced herself as she pressed a key. She was surprised at the rich tone that filled the air. She pressed another, and then another. The notes were perfectly in tune, shocking the girl. _It looks as though no one has been here in years! How can it be in tune?_

Deciding to let that mystery go, for the time being, Rin played out an easy and simple melody. Pleased with the tone of the instrument, she began to play random chords. The discovery of the piano had taken her mind off of why she was here in the first place, but as she looked straight across the room, the thoughts were brought back at full force. A portrait of the great InuTaisho hung proudly on the opposite wall of the piano. The resemblance between the late dog demon and his son were uncanny. The flowing silver mane, the markings on the cheeks, the crescent moon; the similarities, physically, were eerie.

Rin began mentally comparing herself to her Lord. Where he exuded elegance and grace, she was clumsy and uncouth. Where he was calm and collected, she was fiery and passionate. The comparisons continued until Rin had started crying again. _I won't ever be enough._ Rin looked down at the piano and began to play a song that she had been working on for the past two years, but never could get… right. It never sat well with her when she played it, and it always felt unfinished.

Rin began humming to get an idea for the melody, and then began playing the familiar song. Words began to form that had never been there before. _I think I might actually have it figured it out. _Rin's sweet voice finally sang the words that were floating around her mind.

*****I had to remove the lyrics due to a rule about songfics; just open another tab and pull the song up and listen to it there. The paragraphs after this, in italics, are thoughts going through Rin's mind while she is singing the song.*****

_I won't ever be able to leave him. I keep telling myself that I'll run away during the night and stop this pain, but I never do. I don't think I'm strong enough to leave, but I'm not strong enough to tell the truth either. I'll always be stuck in this never-ending limbo of pain._

_Why do I even try anymore? I should just go ahead and ask for death. I can't have the one thing I want more than anything, and he is all I've ever known. I need him._

_Sesshomaru is worlds away from me, but he is the only thing that keeps me anchored. Without him, I have no center, no reason to continue on. He is all I've ever had, and will ever have. But I shouldn't and can't want him._

_I can't escape him, and he doesn't even realize that I need to. The person I love doesn't know, and he will never know as long as I have a say in it. It isn't my place to love him; I couldn't ruin his reputation. He'd be better off without me, but I know if I tried to leave, he would do his best to keep me here. He wouldn't understand why I have to leave._

The final note rang out through the room, followed by sobbing. _I can't stay here like this. _The young woman's sobbing drowned out the creak of the door.

* * *

_What is wrong with her? This is the third time this month that the servants have seen her running through the halls with tears on her face. I'm going to get to the bottom of this. _I followed Rin's scent to a familiar part of the palace, and wished that I could just turn around now. _My father's study is near._

Moments before I reached for the handle to the door, I heard that blasted instrument of my father's let out a sound. I scowled as I remembered feeling, as a child, that I had to fight with it for my father's affection. With new determination, I reached for the handle again, only to be stopped in my tracks by a voice. _That's Rin's voice. She's singing. _I stopped outside and decided to listen. _Maybe I'll get my answers without having to ask any questions_. Feeling proud of myself, I stayed outside and waited.

By the time the song had finished, I had slid down the wall by the door. _I should have just left her alone. I got the answers I was looking for. _I felt… ashamed. The only thing in my mind was the pain in Rin's voice. I could hear sobbing in the study; I wanted to go in there and comfort her, but I didn't know how. All I could do was helplessly sit by as she cried.

Finally after a particularly painful sounding sob, I rose. _I'll figure it out as I go. This Sesshomaru is many things; stupid is not one of those things._ I bravely entered the study and inwardly winced as I looked at the mess of a girl lying halfway on the piano. The smell of her tears, mixed with dust, was burning my nose. Surprised that she didn't notice my entrance, I called her name. Immediately her head snapped up. What she did next would haunt me for years. The kind human that I had become attached to, threw up her walls and looked at me as if I was a stranger.

I flinched at the stare she was giving me. The only emotions she was allowing me to see were that of desolation and determination. The odd mixture left me uneasy. Before I could speak, she did. "Hello, Lord Sesshomaru." Now her voice had become cold and calculating.

I was at a loss of what to do. Rin had thrown her fair share of tantrums throughout the years, but never had she become emotionless. _Maybe I can get her to talk to me. _"Rin. Why are you here?"

She blinked slowly. "To be alone." _Now she isn't willing to talk, either. Something is very wrong with her._

I kept my emotionless mask up to show that her answer didn't bother me, even though it did. "This Sesshomaru has never known you to be one with a need for solitude."

A dark look passed over her face. "Unsurprisingly."

A small flinch shook me. _What?_ _Since when does she act like this?_ "Mind your tongue, Rin."

With a hollow smile, Rin looked back up at me. "Forgive me, milord. Excuse this lowly human's shortcomings."

I was stunned. "Rin. Stop this foolishness. You—"

Rin rose from her seat while I was talking and walked away from me and towards the window. I was stunned into silence at her disobedience. "You dare walk away from this Sesshomaru while he speaks?"

Without looking away from the large window, she replied. "It hurts, doesn't it? To know that no one cares enough to listen, even those closest to you. You can go ahead and kill me, or whatever. I'm not afraid; I've died twice before, you know?"

At first, again, I was shocked that she would say something so morbid; then I was angry. "Why are you speaking so flippantly about your life? I've done everything in my power to keep you from harm, and you would so willingly throw it away?"

Rin let out a small laugh that sounded like it was more of a side effect from pain than humor. The woman rested her head on the window. "Why does it matter? Why don't you get that I don't matter? I don't matter. To demons, I'm just your plaything. To the humans, I'm just your whore that gets used by the demons of your palace." With a whimper, she continued. "I'm human; I'll die one day. You'll continue on; everyone I know will continue on. Eventually, you'll forget. Forget about me, I mean."

The deep hatred she regarded herself with made me want to be physically sick. I was too stunned to speak, and had become rooted to the spot. She took my silence as an affirmative to what she said. Slowly, she turned around. "Maybe… maybe I should go. You don't need a lowly human sullying your name any longer. You can even tell them that you tortured me and had me begging for death before killing me; whatever pleases you. I'll just go… somewhere. Maybe I'll go to InuYasha's village? They are the most accepting people I can think of. Anywhere else, and they'll kill me for being your "whore." I would say that it's been nice knowing you, but… I don't think it has been. I have no chance at a normal life. Not anymore. Goodbye."

Rin slowly walked by me, and whispered three words that would change my life. Then, she was gone.

* * *

It had been two months since I left Lord Sesshomaru's care. I hadn't heard a word from him in that time, either. Just as I figured, Kagome took me in immediately; the woman had always been one of the nicest people I knew. I still hadn't told them why I left; they knew that it was something big, though. Thankfully, no one pushed the subject.

I had begun tending to the fields with the villagers, and learned about herbs with Kagome. She had become the village priestess after Lady Kaede had died. The village was just as I remembered it when I left when I was fourteen. Places such as these tended to stay the same, more or less.

Ever since that fateful day in the Palace of the Western Lands, I had been replaying the song that I had sung that day in my head. Finally, the pieces fell into place. The song was therapeutic in a way; anytime that I would miss _him_, I would just sing my song and realize that it is for the best.

I had moved into a hut on the outer edge of the village, next to a river. The rushing water calmed me, and the hut was nearly removed from the village; it suited me. I realized that I had stopped working when I began thinking about everything in the past two months; I set back to work planting the herbs that Kagome had given me. Dig. Wipe sweat. Plant. Wipe Sweat. Bury. Repeat. The never-ending manual labor usually kept my mind numb and let me sleep deeply at night, so I wouldn't dream.

I had begun to hate sleep. I dreamed of a Sesshomaru that _felt, _and a life of _happiness_. Then I woke up and would realize that I was dreaming. Then I cried until dawn. Then I went to work in the fields. My life had turned into more of a half-existence. I quit smiling. I quit laughing. I just worked, hurt, and dreamed lovely dreams. I lost myself at some point, and I quit being Rin.

I had been close with Kagome and InuYasha both, before I returned to live with Sesshomaru. Both of them worried; it was obvious. Even if InuYasha pretended not to, it was easy to see. Kagome didn't hide her worry, though. At every chance she could, she tried to make me "talk it out." I never did, though.

After walking out on Sesshomaru and admitting my feelings to the demon himself, I thought that I would feel liberated and that I would be able to get over everything. Instead, I felt hollow and cold. _I wonder if this is what the dead priestess, Kikyo, felt like all those years ago?_

I had stopped working again. _I'm just going to get in the way if I stay in the fields. I'll tell Kagome I feel unwell._

After telling the priestess that I wasn't feeling well, I headed for my hut. I sat at my table for what felt like hours, staring at the wall in front of me. I was brought out of my trance when my stomach began rumbling. _Oh. I guess I haven't eaten today._

Kagome had insisted that she at least got to feed me while I was in Edo. I couldn't get her to relent, and finally agreed to her demands. Now any time I need food, I head to Kagome and InuYasha's home for food. I slowly made my way towards the other side of the village, where the two lived, lost in thought. I finally arrived. I entered the hut in a trance, and didn't break out until my name was called out in a smooth baritone voice. _No. It can't be._

I slowly turned around and saw Kagome wringing her hands, next to an obviously uncomfortable InuYasha. Standing a few feet away from the pair was Sesshomaru in all of his glory. All I could do was stare. Finally, I regained control of my body again. In a shaky voice, I spoke. "I don't think I'm hungry anymore. Goodnight."

I quickly walked out and headed back for my hut. It wasn't long until I heard footsteps behind me. I didn't pick up my pace or slow down; I just tried my best to ignore him altogether, even though I know that being ignored doesn't make him happy. _Not my problem anymore_.

I finally reached my hut. Deciding that I couldn't just leave him standing outside without any sort of acknowledgement, I turned around. "Why are you here?"

He looked like he was prepared for this question and answered quickly and emotionlessly. "This Sesshomaru is here to bring you back."

Tears sprang to my eyes. It took everything that I had to not fling myself at him. Instead I shook my head and spoke. "I'm not going back just to be ignored again. I'm NOT a pet that you can have when you're in the mood for a conversation. No more." I was surprised at how steady my voice was.

Sesshomaru had already become frustrated. His eyes gave him away. _That's odd. It usually takes a lot to work him up._ "Rin. Why do you refer to yourself as a pet?" His voice was emotionless as ever, though.

Not liking how he was talking to me as if I was a troublesome toddler, I replied. "When you stop trying to command me around like a pet, maybe I won't believe I am one. At any rate, I'm not yours to command. These aren't the western lands." I was surprised at myself. _Since when am I brave enough to say something like that?_

His eyes widened a fraction. _Well, I think this might be the end of me._ Sesshomaru let out a low growl before speaking. "Why are you doing this?"

I let out a sardonic laugh. "If you wanted to understand, then you would. You are many things; stupid isn't one of those things."

I jumped when Sesshomaru let out another frustrated growl. "Tell me what I need to understand."

I finally exploded. "I couldn't take it anymore! I've spent every day of my life for the past four years under ridicule by every demon in the western lands! I've been called a plaything, a whore, filthy; I couldn't do it anymore! You let it happen! I trusted you to protect me, and you didn't! You broke your promise to me! You were the only family I had left, and you didn't care! Just go! Why can't you leave well enough alone? What have I done to deserve this? Why?"

* * *

My mind went blank as she yelled at me. _What have I done?_ My face was showing every emotion that crossed my mind, but I didn't care. _I have to open up to her. That's the only way she'll trust me again. _Sadness, anger, and shame were the main emotions I was feeling. Sadness for the broken girl in front of me, shame for not noticing what was going on right under my nose, and anger for those that would hurt Rin this way.

Rin had gone into hysterics, and showed no signs of stopping any time soon. _Something has to change, and it isn't her. _I stepped forward and tentatively wrapped my arms around the sobbing woman in front of me. I felt her go rigid and then she started hitting my chest over and over again weakly. The only thing she ever said was "why?" in a small, broken voice.

After she calmed a bit, I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. _The things I do for you, Rin._ "Rin. This Sesshomaru needs you to come back with him. You are this Sess— you are _my _clarity. I can't operate without you. These past two months of being unaware of your safety and health have been… deplorable at best. Come home. Please."

Rin had gone rigid again. She began mumbling quietly, but I still caught it. "How do I know you won't go back to ignoring me again? I can't handle that. I can handle the rest, as long as you are there to help me. Are you going to be there to help me?"

I gave a small nod, hoping that she would accept. My eyes widened as I felt her pull from my embrace and step back away from me. I tried to look in her eyes, but she studiously stared at the earth beneath her. "For your sake, you need to forget about me. Don't make me be the one to ruin your reputation. You'll be better off without me. You have the western lands to think about, not just yourself. There would be rebellions and mutiny. I _cannot_ be the cause of that." By the time she had finished, she was silently crying.

_I'm tired. I feel drained, and I have no patience for this at the moment. _"Rin. My reputation doesn't matter. If someone dislikes me, I will kill said person or demon. The same goes for anyone that starts any uprisings. I refuse to become my father and let anyone threaten those that I love."

At this, Rin's head snapped up. "What?" She had an intense look on her face. I knew that I could make her or break her at this moment.

I stared back at her with a just as intense look and spoke. "I love you. It may have taken longer than it should have, but these past two months have been… enlightening."

Tears spilled over her eyes once again. "I love you, too."

Realizing that I was forgiven, I stepped forward immediately and wrapped Rin up into my arms again. "Rin. I'm not going to let this happen again. Neither of us could take it."

I smiled for the first time in fifty years. I looked up at the full moon and cherished the warmth held against my chest. _I will not allow us to fail._ _Not again._

* * *

AN: It's over. Well. That was a LOT darker than I planned it to be. It was a LOT longer than I thought it would be, too. I hope I didn't get Sesshomaru too out of character closer to the end. Don't hate me if I did; I'm really sleepy at the moment. So excuse any typos that may be there. I'll probably go back through and fix them later!

Thanks for reading, and don't forget to **_FAVORITE_ **and _**REVIEW!**_


End file.
